I Forgive You, But I Will Never Forget!

Using a ballpark estimate, I would say that 89% of people in the world do forgive without getting the incident off their minds. Why is this so difficult? The art of easily forgetting something done wrong to you could vary, and this might depend on the impact of that situation. It is very easy to forgive a child who lied to you about having excellent grades in his report card, only to later on find out from his teacher that he failed in most of his subjects. Once disciplinary measures have been put in place, that incident could be forgotten in just weeks. Another quick example is if someone bumps into you in a subway station. "Sorry", they say, and you answer "No problem". Leaving the subway, you'll never think of it. Who cares? But how do you preach forgetfulness to a married man or woman whose partner was caught in the act of adultery with their best friend or closest sibling? Worse case scenarios, you find out after 5 years of your marriage that your only child isn't yours. Your wife took in for another man and all these years, you've been grooming a child in your home who isn't biologically yours. That's a life-time grudge! Oh, did I just say grudge? Someone's life could be lost when this truth is finally revealed.

It's tragic how those we deeply love, cherish and trust find ways to hurt and betray us in return. Most relationships that kick off so well eventually take a different turn which ends up creating doubts and trust issues as we move on in life. The human behaviour is "hard-wired" and our initial instinct would be to retaliate as soon as we have been hurt by someone. This is because our pride and self-esteem has been injured. Trust that has been built for years have suddenly been shattered in a split second. Something so valuable has been lost and for that, we want recompense for the damage.

Most people think that forgiveness is for the weak. They think it's only practiced by those who have no say or power to fight back but the truth of the matter is that forgiveness comes from the brave hearted. Who are you helping most when you forgive the person who wronged you? Actually, you are helping yourself and bailing yourself from the bondage of bitterness. You are causing yourself more good than harm than the other person. According to Mayo Clinic, "Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen it's grip on you and help you focus on other, more positive parts of your life".

I used to see forgiveness as being feeble and how could I just allow someone to receive forgiveness when I had gotten hurt? I got pain and they got freedom without having to pay for the pain they caused. It was difficult until I finally realized the peace of mind encountered in just letting go and letting God's will be done. Romans 12:19.

Now, talking about forgiving and forgetting....

This is a harder pill for us to swallow and a difficult section to write about. Despite the familiar cliché, "Forgive & Forget", most of us find it nearly impossible to forget. Sometimes even when we tend to forget, and the same incident repeats itself, it begins to bring back memories that have already been erased. Does this mean we truly forgave? To sincerely forgive helps rescue the most valuable part of yourself but frankly speaking, forgetting is not a reasonable part of the equation. Remembering the most painful things can allow us work through the suffering and find a new meaning of hope. Doing this enables us to identify our internal strengths and weaknesses. It can also allow us to protect ourselves in important ways as well as protect those we love from the same harm. In a case of child molestation, there is no wisdom in forgetting the risk and offering new children into the offender's care.

Remembering is a part of healing. One thing is, it cannot be rushed. If the damage has been done, the truth is, it will definitely take time to heal. One can only set the wise boundaries that allow for the most productive relationship possible if one both forgives, and remembers.

Before I conclude, I'll just kindly chip this in... We too need some self-examination. We need to look into our own behaviour because sometimes, we play a role in our own misfortune. We see red flags in a relationship, yet we choose to ignore them. We choose to turn the other way pretending like we didn't just notice what happened. What role are you playing to protect yourself from being harmed? It's time to remove those dark shades and begin to see things black and white.

Make sure you use your flint and stand up for yourself. Speak up! It's a lot difficult for people to take advantage of someone who is confident and strong. Also, learn to forgive with empathy (p.s. do not confuse this with sympathy). Forgiveness goes hand in hand with empathy. Put yourself in their shoes and imagine life from their own perspective. What misfortune was brought upon them that turned their world so bitter and resentful?

Most importantly, remember that no one is perfect. As flawless as we try to paint our lives to the world, we all make mistakes. The earlier you begin to realize that mistakes are bound to happen, the better for you and the less disappointed you get. I pray we all learn to forgive one another and also forgive ourselves as well.  (Matt 6:14-15, 1 John 1:9, Isaiah 43:25-26, 2 Corinth 5:17).

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Looking forward to seeing y'all in my next post.

Until then, remain and stay blessed.

Lots of love,

Ada

xoxo

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