Christian Courtship and Marriage...

A number of people still try to figure out what courtship means and how this differs from just dating. Years back, I was of the impression that courtship began the very moment a man proposes to a woman and as soon as she says YES to him, they are no longer considered to be dating, they are now in Courtship.  As 'chezzy' as this may sound, I figured out that I wasn't alone in this idea. Some people are stern believers of this.

Courtship is being in a Godly relationship with the intention of getting married. Some call it "Dating with Purpose". A biblical foundation has to be laid because this is a  preparatory period for aspiring couples to get to know one another and decide if they are worth living together for a lifetime.  In courtship, there is a common goal - where the couple not only plan towards the wedding but most importantly, the marriage itself. Amos 3:3.

It is also a time for interview, not intercourse. Series of questions such as (handling finance, dealing with conflict, knowing each others strengths and weaknesses, raising children, spacing, career advancement, etc.) have to be discussed in order to know how best things will work out for the both of you in the long run. If there is no intention of marriage in your relationship or you both are just keen on having fun and calling it a day, then you are simply dating and that is not considered courtship.

Moving forward, it is very critical to note that the characteristics you observe in your partner during courtship are the same characteristics they will portray while in marriage. Do not be misled into believing that your partner will change when you both eventually get married. You are neither a changer nor a predictor. It is not your obligation to change a person. That isn't your assignment but the work of the Holy Spirit. If your potential spouse has a habit of drinking, smoking, keeping late nights, being abusive and promiscuous, not taking full responsibility of their life, there is a 99.99% tendency of seeing exactly the same traits in marriage. 2 Corinthians 6:14 - (Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? So it is important to thread wisely and ask God for his leading in order not to make the wrong decision. Remember God is against divorce. (Mark 10:2 - 12, Matthew 19: 6-9, Malachi 2:16).
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Here are things to avoid during courtship and types of people to watch out for...

1. Opinionated People: These are people who have an opinion to virtually everything in life, be it good or bad but remember that not all opinions count.  When trying to seek for counsel during courtship or for any other reason, it is advisable to seek for wise counsel and take only the ones that apply to you. Also, an important factor to note when dealing with opinionated people is that some of these people come from different backgrounds, they might have grown with a group of people that might just not be the type of people you usually are used to. They may be that way because of their culture, religion, or general beliefs inherited from their parents or learned from friends.

Like the saying goes, "too many cooks spoil the broth", which means that in every given task, the team players have their own unique idea on how the duties should be carried out but if there is no leader or a sense of direction, the end product will be unsatisfactory. So if you don't find yourself with the right group of people or you just take everything that everyone says hook, line and sinker, that might deter you from loosing your sense of direction during your courtship season. In as much as receiving counsel is very important in life because of course, we do not know it all, let the Holy Spirit be the primary person you listen to.

2. Conversations that are not value based and God-centered:

They say birds that flock together, stay together. Ask yourself these questions: Who am I spending my time with? Do the company I keep instill positive vibes in me? Are what they are saying scriptural? Am I truly investing quality time with this person? If your answer to these questions are NO, then you need to change your company. You pick your friends, friends shouldn't pick you.

 3. Comparison: This is a very huge factor in today's world and comparison has closed so many marriage doors. I always say "Comparison kills faster than HIV" because you are consumed with hate and anger on a regular basis. Everyone wants to be like the other person forgetting that in life generally, you are running your own race. It bothers me that when people look at someone else's picture on social media, they begin to create room for unnecessary envy, strife and jealousy to build up in their hearts. They begin to compare their lives with others.

Why are we not usually content and satisfied with our portion, simply because we think other people are living a more glamorous life than us? Oftentimes, we fail to remember that we only see the highlights  on social media. We really do not know exactly what happens behind closed doors. A comparative/competitive attitude is not a healthy component to bring into courtship/marriage because you will neither remain content nor live within your means. And this basically boils down to the fact that you are not satisfied and thankful with the little you have.

4. Nagging Attitude: So let's get this straight, nagging does not just come from women alone, men do also nag about things they do not like.

"Oh why are you cooking so late today?..

 This food is too salty, have I not told you to add spray starch when next you iron my shirts? You mean you need more money for groceries?"

Apparently, men are no different from women, they can nag as much as we can and read meaning into things as much as we can. As a wife, our duties consist of keeping the home clean. That's what many men believe anyway. One of the things men nag about is a messy household. If the dishes are piling up and there are crumbs all over the counter, men expect us to load the dishwasher and pick up the mess. But an understanding man whose wife could be heavily pregnant or has a lot of things on her plate plus putting the kids in check, would without nagging, pick up those dishes and wash without raising dust.

Effective communication and mutual understanding is very key when it comes to marriage and while in courtship, it is very crucial to stress on this with your partner. Marriage is all about being a helping hand and uplifting the other person at their lowest point. If there are things that your partner does that are displeasing to you, you can decide to talk to him/her later on when the raging is over. The bottom line here is to create an avenue to fully understand the reason for the problem, seek to know why this offended him/her and sought out ways to prevent the issue from reoccurring. It's not a time for fault finding or laying of blames but a time to rob minds to resolve the issue amicably. I figured out that when couples disagree to agree, their bond becomes much stronger and the love grows even deeper. That makes them become inseparable. If you permit stressful situations to take over your life, it becomes easier for you to think that your partner isn't doing his or her share of the couple's responsibilities. You will end up focusing all your time and energy on the crisis and have no energy left for the marriage.

"It's during tough times that couples often do the things that tend to undermine their marriage, just when they need each other the most. When couples are under a lot of stress, they tend to only do the necessary things for day-to-day survival, and their relationship fades into the background,” - Becky Sweat.

No man loves a nagging woman and vice versa. Proverbs 21:19. Difficult situations should be handled with maturity, prayer and supplication and you will see God begin to change and turn things around in your favor.

5. Being unlovable:  Love attracts and this starts within YOU. If you aren't happy while single, you will become incapable of inspiring love or affection from someone. If you don't love yourself, then make that a daily obligation. It is very hard to receive love openly and completely if you don’t believe you are worthy of it. Everyone wants a happy place. Who wouldn't want to come back to a happy home after a hectic work day? Never try to make yourself unlovable. Being too uptight, upfront and mean will only scare the right person away. If you want to be loved, first show love.

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Looking forward to seeing you all in my next post..

Until then, do have a blessed one.

Lots of love,

 Ada
xoxo!